Well, weeks have passed since I last wrote. We had a friendly stomach virus which took turns ravaging each member of our family and then we had christmas and family and everything. Then our computer (which must have felt left out) contracted a virus of its own (a trojan horse actually if you're interested in specifics). After all of that, well we were just kind of out of it. School started up and we kind of went with the flow, but I am still kind of lagging near the starting gates; not really going full steam.
One thing of note. I turned 30 last weekend. For the first time I got cards that said, "don't count the years, just count the lives you've touched" and "your life's not over, just the young part". I'm not sure if that's what started my latest introspective funk or if I am just naturally prone to them and I was due. I've been bemoaning all sorts of things though over the past few days.
My life is almost completely lacking in structure (other than imposed things like school and church). Perhaps this is why it takes such monumental effort to get anything done and to decide where to start (for example on household disorder). How do you even start something like this? What to you structure around? Household chores? Kid up/down times? the alignment of the stars and zodiac signs?
Equally befuddling, I seem to be devoid of any goals or direction other than surviving each day as it hits. It seems to me that I used to have goals. Didn't I? I wonder what they were and what happened to them. I can't seem to muster up entusaism for much of anything beside escapism. This is a problem and is certainly not a pattern for happy fulfilled living. I talk really big about finding liberation in the forms and structures of the roles we've chosen, but I'm not sure what I'm suposed to be liberating besides my inner grump.
Is it productive at all to think about these things? Or does it lead to synergy without substance? Not that substance is abounding in the present state of affairs. . .
Like I said, introspective funk. Maybe I'll go find some truffles . . .
I know what it's like to feel like everything is scattered and while you feel the pressure to create some order, you just don't feel like you have the energy. It's not a fun state to be in. I find it harder and harder to muster enthusiasm for the little daily tasks and responsibilities that weren't exactly in my life plan. But I think you become so much happier when you make the effort and try to make some changes in your attitude. I'm definitely not one to offer any advice--I won't be married for another 24 days and kids probably won't show up in our little family anytime soon. But I do know that the times when I'm so busy that I barely have time to breathe are the times when I'm the happiest and most content with my life, because I feel so productive. That's what order creates for you: items on your personal checklist that you can cross off and feel good about. I think the trick is, first, like I said, staying busy all day--whether that be with driving your kids around places, cleaning the house, or cooking a fabulous dinner. Really, don't discount the idea of a checklist. I have one on my computer that I'm constantly looking at and updating. That way, if there's ever a lull and I have some free time, and I can take a look at what I need to do and then do it. It sounds like an obvious solution, but I'm telling you, it works. And you need to make the little tasks fun. For example, I turn on music super loud when I'm cleaning or doing dishes and sing along at the top of my lungs, and I actually enjoy it. I think of that scene in the movie Bandits where Cate Blanchett's character is dancing around singing "Holding Out for a Hero" as she cooks dinner. How is that not fun?
ReplyDeleteNow, to switch gears, you also talked about seeking liberation despite the duties to which you are bound (at least that's how I read it). Liberation is completely in your mind. Really. It's something I've been trying to master, in a sense, with all my stress from school and wedding planning. I just have to sit back and think about everything ahead of me and all the blessings I enjoy, and it makes all these seemingly menial tasks and assignments easier to do, not because they suddenly have some special meaning or anything, but because they seem so simple in comparison with the things of eternity. The feeling of knowing the reason you are where you are today and how it will end up for you if you stick it out even when life isn't what you probably imagined it would be--that feeling, for me, at least, is enough to make me smile and do what I have to do at the moment. Life is so awesome. You have a great house with a wonderfully brilliant husband and three adorable children. So many people would kill for what you have. It's Satan who's trying to make you forget how blessed you truly are. Just tell him to back off so you can enjoy your life. You're in your prime, after all! (Forget this "30 is old" nonsense. You are young and ALIVE!)
Liesl,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that I forgot to wish you Happy Birthday. This is a big year for all of us. It sounds like you need to have a birthday trip to celebrate the "milestone". Laurel and I are meeting in Paris sometime in May. Wanna join us?
Tiffany
don't I only wish I could meet you in Paris. Sadly, not in the cards. I wonder if we'll ever be in a financial situation where I would answer, sure, what weekend?
ReplyDelete